Couples Math

Find your inner flirt. I often hear couples complain that their relationship is boring and they feel stuck. They miss the passion. I usually ask how the beginning of the relationship was. Are they still dating and having fun together? This is very important. Remember to spend magical time with one another.

Break this into "The Magic Five and One-half Hours a Week." Don't part in the morning without knowing one important fact about your partner's day. Kiss for a minimum of six seconds before departing for the day from one another. Two minutes a day x five working days = 10 minutes.

When reuniting at the end of the day have another six second kiss and the stress reducing conversation that lasts 10 minutes. Make sure to give support to one another and listen to one another. Twenty minutes a day x five days = 1 hour 40 minutes.

Find some way every day to genuinely communicate appreciation to your partner. This should be five minutes a day x seven days = 35 minutes.

Play with one another. Kiss, hold, grab and touch each other. Make sure to kiss one another before going to sleep. Make the six-second kiss last, five minutes a day x seven days = 35 minutes.

Go out on a date think of great questions to ask your partner.…

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What's Wrong with Being Single?

"It's nothing personal," he says "it's really not you it's me I just need some time to figure things out." "This is not the first time I have heard this," said my client.

One of the great things about being single is the independence that comes with it. Take this time to make your own decisions and learn not to rely on others for approval.

I know some people think there is nothing worse than being single. Where does this come from, many clients have asked me. And, I often ask them to answer their own question. When did they start feeling this way and where did it come from? We are starting to see a change in our society it has been reported that 49% of the United States is single. We see single people living a carefree life in many commercials with a nice car and nice clothes. But, after working as a Marriage and Family Therapist I find this really isn't always the case.

Many of the single people I work with complain being single is not all it's cracked up to be and wonder if they would ever find the love of their life and live happily ever after. There can be a lot said for singledom, after all, it is a right of passage. This is a time to…

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I really didn't mean it Like That
"Understanding Must Precede Advice" Dr.'s John & Julie Gottman
 
Yes, what you say does matter. Sometimes, your words can hurt those closest to you. Instead of looking for what is wrong with you partner, start asking yourself what is right with you partner. Pick three things you truly appreciate about your partner and tell them daily what you appreciate. For example: 'I really like how resourceful you are, you are exciting, you are creative, you are strong and you are sexy.'
 
We live in a very fast-paced world these days and often do not spend as much time with our partner as we would like. Instead of having a stress-inducing conversation try having a stress-reducing conversation when you have time together. Both partners need to agree on an upcoming stress in their life that is not dierctly related to the relationship. This could be a visit from the in-laws or a dinner party. It is important to just listen to your partner - do not try to solve the problem or take on the problem as your own.
 
Each person will have a turn as the speaker and the listener. It is important that the speaker talk about their stress with as much detail as possible. It is important that the listener avoid problem-solving. Do your best to convey understanding of your partner's thoughts and…

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Listening without Fixing

Why are you always trying to change me?  Why can’t you just listen to me?  Does this sound familiar?  I see a lot of couples and I hear this a lot.  Believe it or not listening is an art.  Next time your partner wants to tell you about their day, try listening without trying to solve their problem.  You will be surprised at the long-term results.


It’s important when you are in a relationship to build rituals of emotional connection into your daily life.  When you discuss your day with your partner tell them three things you appreciate about your partner. I would say you really are a great friend, I appreciate how generous you are, I love your imagination or I appreciate how dependable you are.

It’s also important to tell your partner what you are thankful for in your relationship.  For example:  I love your style, I like how you are playful with me, I am thankful for your sense of humor and you have a beautiful complexion.  Stay in touch with one another during the day.  Call your partner and think about your partner during the day.  Take weekend outings such as; going to a park or going for a drive.  Go on an overnight romantic outing (without the kids).…

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Lianne Avila, MFT
1510 Fashion Island Blvd.
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San Mateo, CA 94404

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