Single Again! Now What?

 


As I look at the man sitting across from me, Nathan. He says to me, "I can't believe I am 45 and single, again, I never thought this would happen to me." He asks me," how will I communicate with my ex, will I always feel lonely, and how will I handle dating?" He doesn't realize at this time, that he will get through this. Here are five tips to help you out, if you have recently gone through a divorce.

  1. Discover your strengths. Now is the time to start valuing yourself. This is the first step in being a little more independent and learning to have a voice for yourself. For example, have people always said you are a good cook, then now is the time to take a cooking class.
  2. Find peace within. It's alright to be single. Now is the time to hone in on your coping skills. Remember to breathe. Take a yoga or meditation class. This may be the time to work on your spiritual side. This will help you with anger-management and self-care.
  3. Set goals. Start with small goals. For example, clean out your closet, buy some new plants, start going to the gym. Think ahead, where will you be living next year or working? Start a savings account, plan a vacation with friends and start…

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7 Tips for Self-Soothing

 


In today's world we all work too much or are taking care of others. This doesn't leave much time for ourselves. In today's busy world we often forget about ourselves. Some of us have been taught that it is selfish to put ourselves first or that we shouldn't think of ourselves. I'm here to tell you that is bologna. I see people all the time in my practice that have forgotten about themselves and are putting everyone else in their life first. The result, is burnout and fatigue. If this isn't taken care of it could lead to something more serious, depression or anxiety. Here are some tips to help you take time for yourself and self-soothe:

  1. Stop and take a breath. Although, this may sound obvious many people forget about this. The next time you feel anxious or tense, take a minute to notice if you are breathing fast or holding your breath.
  2. Breathing retraining. Spend 30 minutes a day focusing on your breath in a quiet place. You can break this down into three 10 minute sessions.
  3. Spend time outdoors. Most of us are inside all day sitting under fluorescent lighting. Go outside when you take a break and breathe in the fresh air.
  4. Take a yoga class. This will help you slow down. It is important to stretch, research has shown…

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As most of you know I am a Marriage and Family Therapist and I have completed Levels 1, 2 & 3 in Gottman Couples Training. Gottman, of course, is the expert on relationships and is backed with 40 years of research. I absolutely love this method. After trying many different methods in working with couples, I have found this to be practical and effective. A lot of people ask me if I see other clients in my practice, and my response is yes. I also work with individuals, whether they are dealing with depression, anxiety or the loss of a relationship. I have found that people tend to repeat the same patterns in life and often don't understand why. Maybe, they have a low self-esteem, fear being alone or had a difficult childhood. Maybe, they feel they have always been the underdog and can never get a break in life.

Are the root of their problems that they fear rejection, have to be right or they just can't relax? The reality is, it could be all three of these reasons. People have many reasons for acting the way they do. I have found that it is best to go easy on yourself. Yes, it's alright to think of yourself and how to simplify your life. After counseling people for 13 years, I have found…

Read more: How To Make Your "No" Stick

Finding the Silver Lining in Loss

 

 

Three steps to help you redefine your world when "Plan A" fails.


"Life is all about how you handle Plan B.
Plan A is always my first choice.
You know, the one where
Everything works out to be
Happily ever-after.
But, more often than not.
I find myself dealing with
The upside-down, inside-out-version -
Where nothing goes as it should.
It's at this point that the real
Test of my character comes in .. 
Do I sink, or do I swim? 
Do I wallow in self pity and play the victim
Or simply shift gears
And make the best of the situation?
The choice is all mine...
Life is all about how you handle Plan B."
by Suzy Toronto
Get real. Are you living your dream or are you living someone Else's dream? So, your life isn't perfect, do you know any one's that is? Stop comparing yourself to other's. There is always someone with more and always someone with less. Start to want the life you have.
Stay away from negative people. That's right, stay away from the drama queens that make everything about themselves - even your problems. A negative attitude is contagious; it will only bring you down in the long-run. On the upside, a positive attitude is contagious, keep the positive people close in your life.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. You are not alone. There are many people that aren't living the life they dreamed as a child, but that doesn't mean they have a bad life. If you feel like you keep going through the same thing over and over again, then it is time to ask for help.
Help is just a phone call away. You can reach me at (650) 892-0357 to set up a consultation.

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What's Wrong with Being Single?

"It's nothing personal," he says "it's really not you it's me I just need some time to figure things out." "This is not the first time I have heard this," said my client.

One of the great things about being single is the independence that comes with it. Take this time to make your own decisions and learn not to rely on others for approval.

I know some people think there is nothing worse than being single. Where does this come from, many clients have asked me. And, I often ask them to answer their own question. When did they start feeling this way and where did it come from? We are starting to see a change in our society it has been reported that 49% of the United States is single. We see single people living a carefree life in many commercials with a nice car and nice clothes. But, after working as a Marriage and Family Therapist I find this really isn't always the case.

Many of the single people I work with complain being single is not all it's cracked up to be and wonder if they would ever find the love of their life and live happily ever after. There can be a lot said for singledom, after all, it is a right of passage. This is a time to…

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Office Location 
Lianne Avila, MFT
1510 Fashion Island Blvd.
Suite 110
San Mateo, CA 94404

Phone Number
(650) 892-0357

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