Dating and Relationship Advice for Men and Women - Why Are You Still Single?

 


So many of my single clients ask me, 'why am I still single?' They feel they are doomed in relationships. I ask them, "are you truly being honest with yourself?" How open are they to their friends and family's constructive advice? How open are they to therapy and taking a closer look at themselves? Many of my clients complain that they repeat the same dating patterns. I have found that many single people, may be sabotaging their chances of happiness without realizing it. It's surprising how many single men and women feel they don't deserve a loving relationship. 

I live and practice in the Bay Area, and many people complain it's hard to meet single people. I tell them, they are in charge of their attitude and they are responsible for how they come across to people. They need to understand they are responsible for their happiness and who they allow into their lives. This may be hard to read, but you need to read it. If you are always attracting people towards you that are non committal it may actually be "you" that has the fear of a relationship actually working out long term. 

First Impressions and Things to Be Aware Of:

  • Being too available (coming across as desperate) 
  • Putting someone on a pedestal or idolizing them
  • Pessimistic or negative comments…

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Three Tips to Help You Find Love

 


My single clients often ask me, 'will I ever find the one?' I tell them to focus on the process rather than the goal. What this means is, rather than focusing on how much you hate being single or making it a goal to find a life partner. Sit back and enjoy the process. Take this time to learn more about yourself and others. Here are three tips that will help you find love when you are single:

  1. Take a risk. Now is the time to try something new. If you don't put yourself out there, chances are you will never meet someone. Take a dance class, join a ski club, take a cooking class, and just try something new. Get out of your comfort zone and meet new people. I'm sure your married friends are great, but now is the time to join some new single groups.
  2. Don't assume everyone is a nincompoop. If you're single, then you have probably been hurt. You are not the only person that has been hurt or betrayed in a relationship. It's easy to tell yourself that you will never meet anyone, or that everyone out there that is single has something wrong with them. It's easy to get into the habit of telling yourself negative messages. I always tell my clients to stay away from…

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Single and Over 40
"Single" is an opportunity to live life on your own
terms and not apologize."
Mandy Hale


SO WHAT. I am not here to tell you anything stupid, like, "it must be lonely or you just don't get out enough." If you are over the age of 40 and single I am sure you have heard that and much more. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with being in a relationship, either. But, if you aren't, stop beating yourself up. Many single people are buying homes, traveling and spending quality time with friends. Here are 7 tips on how to enjoy being single when you are over the age of 40:

  1. Take good care of yourself. A positive mindset and healthy lifestyle are a prerequisite for a relationship. How happy we are is reflected in our appearance and energy level. This is directly connected to our relationships.
  2. Learn from your past relationships. Being over 40 is finally the time to set priorities and know what is important in a relationship. It's also the time to learn from past mistakes. Do you see unhealthy patterns in past relationships? You can hire a counselor to help you identify and change those patterns.
  3. Practice flirting. People love to be around people that are fun and outgoing. Make sure to smile and make eye contact, but…

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Work and Relationship Balance

 


These days finding balance between work and a relationship, may seem like the tip of the iceberg. Don't forget, there are also friends, family (kids if you have them), personal errand and responsibilities, etc. These days being over-busy is the norm in our society. Relationships are the ones that suffer. We, unfortunately, set them last as a priority. Not only do you need to schedule them first, but you need to schedule time for 'fun' in your relationship. Here are five tips to help you balance work and a relationship:

  1. Love the person, not their title. Nothing is certain in today's economy. First and foremost, make sure you have fallen in love with the person and not their title or position. Make sure you can take care of yourself with or without the person.
  2. Balance sacrifices. If one or both of you would like to pursue a demanding career, then you can almost guarantee that sacrifices will have to be made for the good of that career. Balance is created over long periods of time. Make sure to accept and acknowledge the importance of your partner's sacrifice for your career.
  3. Share household duties. No one likes to come home to a dirty house. Make sure to divvy up the household chores in a clear manner. If you don't, this can lead to ongoing arguments for the…

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Single Again! Now What?

 


As I look at the man sitting across from me, Nathan. He says to me, "I can't believe I am 45 and single, again, I never thought this would happen to me." He asks me," how will I communicate with my ex, will I always feel lonely, and how will I handle dating?" He doesn't realize at this time, that he will get through this. Here are five tips to help you out, if you have recently gone through a divorce.

  1. Discover your strengths. Now is the time to start valuing yourself. This is the first step in being a little more independent and learning to have a voice for yourself. For example, have people always said you are a good cook, then now is the time to take a cooking class.
  2. Find peace within. It's alright to be single. Now is the time to hone in on your coping skills. Remember to breathe. Take a yoga or meditation class. This may be the time to work on your spiritual side. This will help you with anger-management and self-care.
  3. Set goals. Start with small goals. For example, clean out your closet, buy some new plants, start going to the gym. Think ahead, where will you be living next year or working? Start a savings account, plan a vacation with friends and start…

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Lianne Avila, MFT
1510 Fashion Island Blvd.
Suite 110
San Mateo, CA 94404

Phone Number
(650) 892-0357

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