After you've been in a relationship for a while, it's easy to focus on the negative. At The Gottman Institute we call this the negative sentiment override (NSO). Couples that are in the NSO will not notice the positive their partner does 50% of the time. What does this mean? Start adding thank you's and appreciations to your relationship, like it was in the beginning. I know this sounds small, but it will make a big difference. Here are 10 helpful tips to overcome the NSO in your relationship:
When we think of intimacy, we think of passion and romance. It all seems so natural and easy. I mean, just watch the movies, all you have to do is wear a nice outfit and smell nice, and instantly you'll have romance. It all appears, so, easy. We have learned a lot about relationship stability from Dr's. John and Julie Gottman. We have found that relationships are built on trust and commitment. When you have trust and commitment you have a strong friendship. Friendship builds intimacy. We have also found, that in relationships there can be resentments and grudges. These can be damaging to the relationship. When you learn to mange them well, this can lead to increased intimacy. We can think of them as falling into three different categories:
"When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed." Maya Angelou
As many of you know, I see many couples in my practice. One thing I hear a lot from the couples I see is that, "I wish it could be like it was when we first met." To many couples this may sound difficult, but it actually isn't. You can rekindle the spark and bring fun back into the relationship. Here are ten ways to stay engaged after marriage:
Seven Signs That You May Need Couples Counseling:
Do you feel like your relationship is chaotic? I hear this all the time, 'the house is a mess, I can't get anything done, you are always complaining, why didn't you tell me this before we got married, our friends don't come around anymore, I never thought we would end up this way, or it's just never enough.' As many of you know I have been trained to use The Gottman Method for couples. This is a research based method that is used for treating high-conflict couples. It is also a practical approach which helps couples communicate more effectively and lovingly. If you are in a relationship and you have said any of these things about your partner, then you are in a high conflict relationship. Here are seven questions to ask yourself about your relationship:
|Before and After|
Money, sex and the children. I have seen many couples in therapy over the 14 years I have worked as a Marriage & Family Therapist. I have found that many couples have problems on the surface and they need to address the problems underneath the surface. After being in a relationship it's easy to pick on your partner's faults and blame one another if the relationship is going south.
Over the past four years I have been trained in and using The Gottman Method for Couples. This is a well researched method. The Gottman's have done over four decades of research in working with couples. They have developed a lot of great tools for couples to help with communication and building the friendship in the relationship. Which, by the way, the research has found that a good friendship is crucial in a relationship. This is reported by, both men and women.
One of my favorite tools that they have that helps with communication is Dreams within Conflict. This helps the couple have a guided conversation that helps build understanding in the relationship. One person is the speaker and one is the listener. The speaker is the dream speaker and the listener is the dream catcher. It's easy to want to fix or solve the problem. The purpose of this exercise is not…