10 Common Cognitive Distortions In Relationships


We all have an internal dialogue and at one time or another we have misread our partner. You can't always believe what your mind tells you. Here are ten cognitive distortions you want to stay away from in your relationship:




  1. Negative predictions.Overestimating the likelihood that an action will have a negative outcome. Maybe, your partner doesn't do things exactly like you, that doesn't mean it is negative or wrong.
  2. Underestimating coping ability. You are capable of self-soothing when you are in a relationship. It's nice when your partner helps soothe you but it's alright for you to soothe yourself. For example, take a bath, read a book or write in your journal.
  3. Thinking an absence of effusiveness means something is wrong. Believing an absence of a smiley-face in an email means there is a problem. Interpreting, "You did a good job" as negative if you were expecting "You did a great job." This is not the same as being taken for granted. Sometimes, the small things really are small things.
  4. Entitlement beliefs. Believing the same rules that apply to others don't apply to you is a recipe for disaster. For example, believing that because your worked all day means you can come home and make a mess in the kitchen, and leave it for your spouse to clean up is alright.
  5. Belief in a…

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Tired Of Being Called Defensive, Here Are 5 Strategies To Work On It.

"A pure and lasting relationship, has fights, has trust, has faith, has tears, has hurt, has laughter and has weird stupid and unnecessary arguments." Kemmy Nola

"You are so stubborn!"
"Whenever there is a problem you always blame me!"
"I've never been able to pursue my career it's always your career first!"
"I just can't stand to look at you!"

Have you ever said any of these things to your partner or has your partner ever said any of these things to you? If your answer is yes, then, you are not alone. These are also known as The Four Horsemen:

  1. Criticize (Attack)
  2. Defensive
  3. Contempt
  4. Stonewalling

Defensive behavior is ruining your relationship. The four horsemen are the biggest predictor of divorce in a relationship, and they also aren't good for the children. Communication is important in a relationship, but how you communicate is really what is important. Not only can your words be defensive, but your tone and body language can also be defensive. Remember, it's not what you say but how you say it. Here are five strategies to help change your defensive behavior:

  1. Complain without blame. When you start a conflict discussion with your partner by using "you" statements, and blaming your partner for the problems in the relationship, this will put them on the defense. Try rephrasing your words. Use "I" statements. Start the conversation by stating…

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10 Deposits You Can Make To Your Emotional Bank Account


"Catch your partner doing something right." The Gottman Institute

I'm sure you are familiar with a savings account. You start a savings account by making a deposit. If you continue to make deposits, then your savings account grows. If you only make one deposit, then your savings account doesn't grow. Apply that concept to your relationship. This doesn't mean keep score, this means work towards building a positive perspective in your relationship. The Gottman Institute research suggests this is a great way to build a reasonably happy relationship. Here are ten helpful tips to help build your emotional bank account in your relationship:

  1. Sliding glass door moments. These are just a couple of minutes in a relationship and this is where trust is built and how it is kept. For example, you come home after a long day at work and your partner wants to talk to you about the children. You can simply say I am tired and walk away or you can stay and listen to your partner. This may not make a huge difference at the time but in the long run it will.
  2. Contribute regularly to your emotional bank account. The small things can make a big difference. Your partner will notice. And, contribute with a smile. Remember, it's not what you say it's how you say it.
  3. Complain don't blame. This…

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We Just Moved In Together, But I Feel Further Apart Than Ever.


You've just made the huge step of moving in together or getting married. Congratulations! Now, what's next? The dream of hot sex whenever you want it. Splitting the finances 50/50. The possibilities are endless.

Then, reality sets in. You had no idea that your partner was a neat freak. You have no time for friends, and you feel like you don't know one another anymore. As far a sex, maybe you have it once a month, and that's if there's nothing better on T.V. When you are angry at your partner, there is nowhere to hide. You will actually have to talk about your problems. For some this is scary and for others it is not, depending on your style.
You realize that the only people who have the perfect relationship are in the movies. Hopefully, you realize you don't have to have the perfect relationship and start to strive for the good enough relationship. Here are 10 helpful tips to help keep you sane in your relationship:

  1. Make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. For a lot of couples, moving in together just happens. They don't usually weigh out the pros and cons or make plans in advance. Maybe, it just felt right or it was convenient. No more arguing of where you will stay or having to bring an overnight bag.…

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9 Ways To Absolutely Know You Are In The Right Relationship


I hear this all the time, 'is he/she the right one for me?' In a time where there are more single people than there have ever been, and there is more betrayal than ever. People have a hard time trusting that they will pick the right partner for themselves. The first step is loving and respecting yourself. Here are nine tips that will help you know you're in the right relationship:


You Don't...
  1. Fear it. You aren't afraid to commit and you put yourself in a situation with someone that, also, doesn't fear it. If you are afraid of commitment, it's best to work that out before starting a relationship.
  2. Snoop. If you trust your partner, why are you looking? Going through your partner's email, phone, Facebook account or journal, strongly indicate you don't trust your partner. You're also violating your partner's trust in you.
  3. Think you're superior. If your feel your partner is inferior in any way you know that matters to you in a mate - morally, intellectually, financially, socially or professionally - then you're never going to respect your partner the way you hoped to be respected. 
  4. Let any substance abuse or behavior come before the relationship. Anyone abusing a substance or behavior is cheating on you with his or her drug of choice. You deserve more.
  5. Depend on each…

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